This is to provide my audience with some tips on how to deal with Swine Flu in the wake of the announcement by the WHO that it raised the alert level to the second highest Phase 5.
Rule 1: It was quite OK to call the disease caused by the H5N1 virus Avian Flu. Don't ask me why. Also it was permissible to call Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy mad cow disease, thanks to the maturity and torelance shown by Hindus. But make no mistake; it's wrong to call the new pestilence Swine Flu. If you break the rule, that will prompt Muslims to slaughter hundreds of innocent piggies, as Egyptians actually did a couple of weeks ago. Instead of putting the undue blame on these pious Arabic people, you should strictly observe this rule. This is the only way to keep peace. By the way, the correct way to refer to the disease is H1N1 Influenza Type A.
Rule 2: Be courageous enough to expose yourself to those people, such as Mexicans, who are likely to bring you H1N1 viruses. If you are American and dare to insist to close the borders with Mexico, you will be labeled a racist. If you are Japanese, don't refuse personal contact with Americans just because they are most exposed to the viruses coming from the south of the border. Always bear in mind that you are obliged to reciprocate their favor of protecting your country against possible attacks from neighboring rogue nations at the cost of American lives.
Rule 3: Wash your hands every nook and cranny every time you came home. If you don't know how to wash your hands, watch Japanese TV. Around the clock every newscaster is repeatedly telling you the procedure you have to go through in the bathroom very precisely. They invariably say you shouldn't be through with the hand-cleansing ritual at least until 15 seconds elapse. But when taking into account the pathological obsession of the Japanese with cleanliness on the outside, I think 12 seconds are enough for foreigners. If you are Japanese and break the rule, the consequence can be graver than just infected with H1N1. You will be considered to have contracted more serious disease by the name of Anti-Conformism. Most probably you will be detained in an isolation ward. As a matter of practice it will be like you are deprived of your nationality.
Rule 4: Don't fail to wear a mask whenever you go out. Here, too, you can count on Japanese newscasters for invaluable tips. They boldly assume that all the TV viewers know how to put on a mask. Yet they think it's expecting too much from the neotenized viewers to assume they are good at undoing it as well. So they quickly add this to their instructions: "When you are back home and removing the mask, never touch other parts of the mask than straps, because its surface can be contaminated by H1N1." Maybe you just have to cross your fingers that straps are not contaminated. There is one thing that even attentive instructors seldom mention; the mask can also serve as a gag that prevents you from transmitting to others another deadly virus named the truth. That is why many Japanese wear a mask throughout the year.
The WHO warns that although H1N1 viruses have turned out to be more attenuated
than initially feared, they may become much deadlier when they come back
in the next flu season. So I think it's important to observe these rules,
not just for now but for many years to come.
Earlier this week U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced a new finding. It says unlike with any other flu viruses we have seen in the past, this one has affected those aged 19 or younger more seriously than older people. The CDC hypothesizes that those aged 53 or older have been immunized against strains similar to H1N1 since the 1970s.
Incidentally the CDC report reminds me of an even deadlier pandemic we have seen since the 1970s. The name of the highly-virulent virus is dishonesty or hypocrisy. It's been spread all over the world first by yellow Marxists and most recently by the black JFK. Nobody has ever told us how to combat this pandemic, but actually the effective countermeasure to take is relatively simple; we just have to forget all these rules of political correctness and reinstate commonsense as our guiding principle.
You may think I am mixing up two different issues. But I'm not - although that is not to say I blindly believe in those theories about bird flu conspiracy, Tamiflu conspiracy and the like.